Brown not dead, still pitching for Taipei

TAIPEI, TAIWAN – Andrew Brown, thought to have died during a tumultuous 2016, is actually alive and pitching for the Far East’s Taipei Tai-Fong.

Coaches, teammates and even some family members were shocked to find that Brown, a nine-year veteran, was not only still alive, but had in fact never gone missing.

“I really thought that he was dead,” said Chris Fetter, a pitcher for the Lander Calrissians, Taipei’s AAA affiliate. “I’m pretty sure that I went to his funeral. If it wasn’t his then I don’t know whose it was.”

Despite the now incontrovertible evidence that Brown is in fact, not deceased, Taipei pitching coach Henry Rowengartner remains unconvinced.

“I’ve seen no evidence that would convince me that he is still alive,” he said while looking through a stack of team photos taken last season, some of which include shots of he and Brown standing next to each other. “I remain unconvinced.”

Brown, who claims to not have died last season, just to have “not pitched well for most of the year”, is in fact slated to be the Tai-Fong’s No. 4 starter, news that came as a surprise to teammate Ron Mexico. Mexico had been working under the impression that Brown died during a game last August.

“When he died, it was such a shock and a loss to all of us,” said Mexico, who shares a locker with Brown. “His death was felt up and down the organization, from the owner all the way down to our AAA guys. It was devastating.”

“Did you hear the news,” he later said to a passing Brown, who he had confused for a locker room attendant. "Brown is still alive.”

When reached for comment, Taipei General Manager Dylan Goforth was quoted by a local television station as saying that team would first have to verify that he was still alive, and that if he was, he would be “virtually assured a spot on the 40-man roster, unless something unfortunate were to happen.” He then twirled his mustache manically, before whisking a black cape over his face and disappearing into dark alley.

“This makes no sense,” said Brown in an interview with the Associated Press. “Didn’t they re-sign me just this offseason?”

Sources inside Taipei management that are close to the situation confirm that the $4.5 million committed to Brown last winter was assumed to be for funeral costs. “We thought it was an exchange rate issue,” one source said. “To be honest, we’re still not really sure about how the money works out here.”

Taipei committed $17 million to free-agents during the recent Auction period.